Boys are so frustrating!

Life is still good, and it's late and I need to go to bed, but I'm so frustrated with boys!!!!

I've been more frustrated in the past, this isn't the worst I've been, but I'm just so frustrated and done with being confused with boys, and thinking I know what they are feeling towards me, and feeling like they are giving vibes and I think I am reading right, and then them not doing anything! Or going out with a guy, and having so much fun, and then him never asking me out again (example: Mat Williams, my FHE brother I went to that fifties dance with and had a ton of fun. But then what? Nothing!)! Or having tons of fun when I am around a guy, and it being obvious that he is having a lot of fun too, and then him not ever asking me out (example: Isaac-in my ward, we're becoming friends, we always have a great time around each other, and he has lately been giving me more attention than most others around him, but...again, nothing.)!

And it's so frustrating how afraid guys are of commitment, of even trying dating a girl out. It feels like if they don't immediately think she is definitely eternal material, why even ask her on a second date. Ok, sometimes you can know that for sure she isn't, but often, especially if you had a good time on the first date, you just need to go on another, and just keep getting to know each other! Dating does not need to be this serious!

This weekend was Conference weekend, which I love, and which was great, as always, and interestingly, one of the themes that was definitely repeated throughout Conference, was Guys: get married! And for them to go on dates, and stop just hanging out, etc. And don't be afraid of commitment (Elder Oaks really used that word. I was proud :) Oh, and get married. Oh, and did we mention, get married. :) It got to be kind of funny, how much it seemed to come up and be spoken about by the Prophet and apostles. But I completely supported it. :)

Anyway, guys are just frustrating. That's all. But it was a great Conference weekend. And I need to go to bed. Goodnight! :)

The future is not so scary :)

My life is still really great. Things are still all going well. All but the dating scene, but what's new.

So as far as being afraid of the future, I'm not as much these days. I know basically what I'm doing this summer, well, to an extent. So that's nice. I've figured out where I will live--just in the building next to us, same complex, just different apartment. I'm moving from BDA 12 to BDA 28. I will be living with Kim Franke and Haylee (I forget her last name) in the ward, and they are both really nice, really sweet, easy going girls. So it should be good. Neither of them are real outgoing, but I feel okay about handling my own with the social scene in the ward, now that I've been here a semester and know some people. It's been so nice to have Alisha as a roommate this semester because she is really social, has lived here a while, is one of our 2 Relief Society presidents, and knows lots of people. So I've gotten to know a bunch of people in part because of her, and the posse (or the dinner group, i.e. Patrick, Rachel, Andrea, Robyn, Ashlee Norris, etc.).

So that's where I'll be living. I've decided to be in school both spring and summer semesters, instead of trying to cram in all 9 hours that I still need to graduate, into spring semester and have my summer off of school. This decision was made because I want to take volleyball again in the summer (will be my 3rd or 4th time in the class..:) and it is not offered spring, just summer. So that is what made my decision. Literally. I love volleyball, it's one of my very favorite things to do. I took the class (intermediate) last semester, and I'm in it again right now, this time with good friends--Elise and Sam, and have made lots of friends in the class. So it's been way fun this semester.

And I've applied and been interviewed for this Y-Be-Fit internship for the summer that I really would like to get, and I feel pretty good about how my interview went, so hopefully that will work out. So for the summer my plan is to be in some classes, hopefully be doing this internship (which will take about 9 hours a week), and then work some when I can. And play, oh am I excited to play this summer. I love the summer, and I especially love the summer here in Provo. So fun!

Then as far as what to do after I graduate, as I've probably written in here before, I've been thinking about lots of different options, including PA school, PT school (physical therapy), nursing (still an option), I've even considered staying at BYU and getting a masters/and PhD in exercise science, to go on to teach it.. So for the last little while recently it's been a stressful thing for me, trying to figure out what I want to do, and what I should do. I think I would enjoy all of those things, which is why it's been so hard.

But through various means of trying to figure it out by talking to people, looking into different programs, and prayer and fasting, I've basically decided to go forward with the PA school option. I feel good about it, and I think I would really like it. I still think about PT a lot, and I think it would be really fun, but PT programs are usually 3 years or longer, while PA programs are just 2. I feel like I'd be able to use my skills and knowledge more, in more ways throughout my life in general, as a PA, such as with family, in the Church perhaps, just in general. And grandma brought up a good point, or maybe it was just Brother Conley (talked to him at Elder Santos' wedding last week), that, basically, if I'm going to be a nurse, be a PA instead. They get paid more, get to do more, etc. And yeah, it's only a few months more of school than the accelerated nursing program I wanted to get into at the U. So I'm going to go forward with the PA school idea, and start really looking into different programs to apply to. So that's kind of exciting.

And I'm not so afraid to graduate! I have been dreading it for a while, kind of in denial, because I love BYU so much. I love going to school here, it's so comfortable. I love BYUSA, and I'm really sad to be leaving that atmosphere and those friends. But I've been feeling less afraid to graduate, and have been thinking of more things that are good about being graduated. Such as I will be able to read. Anything! Read for fun! My children's lit class this semester has ignited this love for reading in me that I didn't know I had, or that I had forgotten about. We've had to read so many (and still have to read like 9 more) books for this class, and I've loved pretty much all of them, it's been such fun homework! A LOT of reading, but really enjoyable, for the most part.

And I can hang out with family more! And maybe even go visit Sally and Joe, and Peter and Lindsay and their families, and not have to be stressed about school or what not.

So the future is looking bright for me, I feel good about it. I feel like there are lots of adventures ahead of me. That things are probably not actually going to turn out the way I plan, as they never do, but good things are coming. And if not, everything will work out how it's supposed to.

It's all kind of exciting. :)

This was my letter of intent for an internship I applied for. I just found it (15 Oct 2011) and wanted to put it in here for personal history purposes.

26 March 2011

To Whom It May Concern,

I am an Exercise Science major, in my senior year, and will be graduating this August. I love the body and the medical field, and I am planning on going into a profession therein, such as physician’s assistant or physical therapy. I feel like this Y-Be-Fit internship would be a great opportunity to help me further know more specifically what I want to do after graduation. I also think I would really enjoy it. I love working with people, I love teaching, I love the health field, and I would love to help others develop a healthier lifestyle.

Trying to catch up, and dates!

So there are many many things I need to write about and update on, but there's not really time. I need to go to bed so I can get up early and study and do homework that I didn't finish yesterday (Sat.).

But in a quick summary, life it really good. This whole semester it has been. Some highlights of recent include going on dates THREE WEEKENDS IN A ROW! It's been so unexpected, and so fun! I went on 2 dates 2 weekends ago (which I wrote about), and then one with Brett Goodman (Elder Goodman, served in Cookeville around him) last weekend, and then I got "Date Box-ed" this past weekend and ended up going with Granger in the ward, on a Date Box group date to the Burgess's house in Alpine, where we ate amazing dinner and played games and chatted/told stories. It was a lot of fun. All these dates have been, it's been amazing! And it's been so great to be going on dates!

The date with Brett last weekend deserves a whole entry to itself, but in a nutshell...so he had an extra ticket to the Young Ambassadors show, and invited me, and then wanted to make it an official date, so we went out to dinner before hand, to Zupa's (YUM). So then we went to the show, and then we just drove around and listened to music like Wicked, Lion King, Hairspray, etc., and just jammed out singing to them. He has a really great voice, and I just like to sing, so it was so much fun! We ended up driving out to Utah Lake and we blasted music in his car while we hung out on the rocks and just sang and sang. It was cold, but it was a lot of fun! We also ended up driving up around the temple, and then also ended up at a look-out point, which I thought was funny. Although by then, I was feeling so comfortable with him, and had had such a great time, that I probably would have let him do whatever. I mean, like hold my hand, or even kiss me, if he had really wanted to or tried. I kept having this urge while he was driving around to scratch/rub/tickle his neck. I never did, and now I'm kind of glad.

We eventually ended up back at my apartment complex, and sat in the car for a long time and just kept talking and had some music on. He told me about another sister missionary from the mission (after I went home) that he was really good friends with and interested in, and she came down last month and they kind of dated, basically, over the weekend she was here from BYU-I. He was going up there the next day and wanted to talk to her about things, cuz another elder (Martinez), who had been open about wanting to date her when he got home, was going to come home the next Wed. (this last Wed.), and Brett wanted to clear the slate with her, basically, for when Elder Martins came home. It's complicated, but anyway. So he told me all this and asked me for advice, and we talked about the situation a lot.

We also ended up talking a lot about me (well, mostly he did). He told me a lot of really nice things and really boosted my confidence, especially with guys. He said that in one way he could not understand why I wasn't going on dates every night, and in another way, he could understand why I wasn't, because I'm just so..whatever (great, etc.), that it's intimidating or whatnot. He went more into detail and we talked about it, and about girls that are so amazing but don't get married, yada yada, and anyway.. I told him that that really meant a lot because recently I had gone through a time that I just really hadn't felt datable, cuz I never get asked out, and I don't feel attractive, etc. I told him never to be afraid to ask a girl out, that we are all just as terrified and self-conscious or what not, and all like to feel attractive and datable. He ended up telling me, indirectly, saying it without really saying it, that I am the kind of girl that his mom told him to spend time with, and look for, who he feels so comfortable with, etc. He told me, toward the end of the night, that I just make him want to be so much better, that when he's around me, he just wants to be better. I didn't really know how to respond, so I just kind of chuckled and said, "Just be yourself," and he said no, that his self wasn't good enough.

He said other things, really nice things... oh, he told me that I am a cute girl, who is fun, .... I can't remember the other descriptions he said, I think because I got caught up on the "cute girl" part. I am so self-conscious and not confident about my physical attractiveness, that it means SO much to me if any guy ever calls me cute or pretty or anything like that. He is so sweet.

Oh, we also ended up talking about mission crushes, and he told me he had one on me (which I basically knew, from on the mission), and I told him that I may or may not have had one on him...just to be fair. :)

But then end of the night, at about 2:30 am, after spending about 8 hours together, and after all the amazing things he'd said to me, and the subtle, but not-so-subtle things he said, I felt like if he thought I would say yes, he might ask me to marry him. Maybe not, but it was feeling a bit that way. But also by the end of the night, he still never even really made physical contact. I was kind of surprised, and a little bummed, cuz I was feeling so comfortable, and probably would have liked it.

It was such a fun date though, because I'm so comfortable with him, and he is with me, so it's so nice to feel that way, and not feel like I need to impress anyone, that I can just be myself. Oh, amidst all our mega-jam singing, he complimented me on my voice, after telling me to just sing out (like as a soloist), and I told him that I'm not really a soloist, and that I don't really think my voice is that great. That I'm self-conscious of my singing voice. He told me then, multiple times after that, that I have a really pretty voice, or complimented me on specific parts of songs when I would harmonize really well, or what not. He said my voice kind of matches Elphaba's on the Wicked soundtrack (he used a certain word that I can't think of, but something like my tone). That was cool to hear, coming from him.

Anyway, a fun date, and he is such a great guy. My one thing is that I've never been way physically attracted to him, but by the end of the date, I definitely wasn't ruling anything out happening between us. If he were to ask me out again, I would certainly say yes. But he hasn't done anything else yet, and I think that we'll probably never be more than good friends, which is why it's probably a good thing I didn't rub his neck, or that he didn't kiss me. I just am not really attracted to him like that, which is kind of a bummer, because he would be so so good to me.

Anyway, I really have to go to bed now, I can't believe I'm still up. It's 11:30 pm, and I wanted to try to get up early, maybe even around 5 or 6. We'll see.

I'm really glad I wrote about this though, I feel good. Goodnight!

Last couple things--I am interested in a guy named Isaac in our ward. Very few people know about this, in fact, only Elise. I will try to fill in on him more soon.

Highlight of this weekend was also that Kayla was gone since Friday night til just tonight. I know that's probably terrible to say, but it's true. It was so nice to just have Alisha and I here. I really like being here with her, we get along really well. And together we cleaned pretty much our whole apt last night, it was so great! :)

But I'm moving out in less than a month, so I just have to endure my sweet roommate, Kayla, til then...:)

Fun weekend! 2 dates and a race!

So a week since my last post, I feel slightly better about my future. I talked to Mom (always a good idea), and she helped me feel better again about graduating in August, and not postponing til December. She is so wise. So I think that I will just do that, I feel pretty good about it. Although today I got an ecclesiastical endorsement for next year, just in case. :)

This weekend was SO much fun! I went on TWO dates!!! This is unheard of, so it was exciting. Friday night Mat Williams in the ward had asked me out. He is our FHE dad, and we have become friends. He asked me out about a month ago, but I was busy, that was Preference weekend.

But Friday we went out, and we and his roommate Chase, and his date went to a fifties dance at a care center on 500 North. It was so much fun!! We dressed up in fifties, and went, and it was so fun because Mat actually knows how to dance, or likes to. He's in a dance class right now, so we danced, like swing and other dancing, pretty much the whole time. It was so so fun! He taught me a bunch of stuff, and different moves kept coming back to his mind, so by the end, we were just dancing away. That night I decided that I really like dancing, when the guy knows how to lead.

The dance was coincidentally at the same time as the BYU basketball game, versus New Mexico. It was their 3rd game in the Mountain West Conference tournament, and so far they hadn't lost. But we lost both times in the season to New Mexico, so everyone was pretty nervous about this game. I've never been into BYU basketball this much, but it's a pretty big deal here at BYU this year. The team is really good, with a 14-3 record, or something like that, but the biggest reason is because of Jimmer Fredette. I don't think I've written much or anything at all about him, but he is incredible at bball. He's like a Danny Ainge, except I think now he's broken all of Ainge's records even. It's been so fun to get into bball so much this season, and to go to the games to see Jimmer play. He is so fun to watch because he's soo good. We even camped out outside the Marriott Center for the last home game!

Anyway, so during the dance two nights ago, we kept checking the score on Mat's phone, and it was up and down for a little bit, but we won! We finally won against New Mexico! It was so exciting! AND, Jimmer scored 52 POINTS!!!! That is his record (his previous was 49 at the huge San Diego State game a few weeks ago). He is so amazing!

So after the fifties dance we went to their apt. (our FHE brothers') and made cookies and played Rummikub. It was a lot of fun! Mat is really great, I haven't ever been attracted to him physically really, but the more I get to know him, the more attractive he is to me. He's really nice, a gentleman, and not a nervous guys. This is actually very important to me. Confidence and non-nervousness, specifically, is very attractive to me. And he has that down, I really like that. He's also pretty well rounded. He loves cooking, and he's really good at it, but he's also athletic. He loves to play basketball, and watch the BYU games (among others, it seemed), and he wears a good variety of shoes, including some great green Nikes. Those I like. He's from Austin, TX, which is an hour away from San Antonio, which is a fun connection we have. Anyway, I would love to go out with him again, I had so much fun, so we'll see.

Then on Sat. I went with Andrew Jackson, from my mission, to a murder mystery dinner of his work party. It was soo so fun! I've never been to one, and have always wanted to, and it was so cool! There was like 50 people there, 6 tables of 8 people each, and each table had the same murder mystery going on, and the same characters. Each round (there were four rounds) some of the couples would rotate tables, so there were always the same characters at each table, but different faces. Sometimes that made it hard to keep the characters straight, but it was a lot of fun! I was high-class, fancy dress-wearing owner of the speak easy, called S. P. Keasy. Basically a rich bar owner in the twenties. My character name was Silky M. Adam. All the names were clever like that (I was a madam--get it? M. Adam..?), it was fun. And turns out that I was also the murderer! But the funny thing is that even I didn't know that until the very end! The whole thing lasted almost four hours, and we had dinner and dessert in courses throughout it. It was really amazing pizza, best I've ever had, with the sauce on the top instead of the first layer on the crust. So so good.

It was a lot of fun, Andrew is a great date! We're just friends though, I'm not interested in him romantically, and he actually has a girlfriend, she's just in Jerusalem this semester. But yeah, it was a really fun night! Other than that BYU lost the championship game of the Mountain West Conference tournament, to San Diego State. They lost terribly, it was really sad.

Oh, and also this weekend, I ran the Rex Lee Run 5k! It was yesterday, and it was a lot of fun! It was my second 5k I've ever run, and I think I did worse this time, because I got a side ache at about mile 2, that just got worse and worse, and I had to walk for about a block or less toward the end. But I got a shirt (practically the reason I did it...:) and saw a lot of friends there, it was fun! Plus it was really exciting to be out running in a race, with so many other runners, it's just a fun atmosphere I think.

Good weekend!

The future is scary

I'm really worried for and afraid of the future right now. As of now I am planning on graduating in August, but that is what is stressing me out, for multiple reasons. One, I don't want to graduate. I love it here. I love BYU. I love being in BYUSA. I love school and the classes I'm in. I finally feel like I am back in the social scene on campus and have a lot of friends again, in my classes and that I see on campus, and I feel like I have to leave all of that so soon.

Also, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life afterwards. I've always wanted to be a nurse, ever since I was a little girl. And I've felt good about it for a long time. But ever since a conversation I had with Carly Bryson (now something else) at my home ward (she and her husband live there now), I've been thinking about PA school. A PA is just below a doctor, but only go to school for 2 years. One of which is just clinical stuff, residency, basically. PA's sound like they are more one on one than a doctor, which is what I want. I love working with and helping people. Anyway, lately I've been thinking more and more about PA school. I actually only just this past week have been looking into it more, and it looks like the soonest I could start one is next May. That is when the U's accelerated nursing program would start (May 2012), if I went that route still, and got in. So basically, if I graduate in August, I would have like 9 months to kill, before starting another program. This wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing; in that time I could of course just work, get more clinical for program applications or just earn money. I also have this really passionate dream of going to hair school and learning how to cut hair. I've always wanted to, since I was little as well, it's just never been a realistic or practical dream. I've wanted a degree more. But now, I could possibly do both. So if I could find a hair program that was less than a year long, and somehow affordable, I would LOVE to do that in between.

But if not, since I don't want to leave BYU so bad, I could extend my graduation til December, and just finish up my classes in the Fall, which would also eliminate having to go to school all summer, which would be nice. But if I'm not in school in the summer, I would have wanted to do EFY, and I kind of already missed those deadlines, since I've been planning on being in school.

I've also been slightly considering doing a master's here in, like, Exercise Physiology, because I love the exercise sciences, and I love my classes right now and love learning about the body. I would love to keep learning about it, and also that could keep me here at BYU. But then I still couldn't really do much with that. I mean probably something, but I don't know what. I would still have to go on to do more if I wanted to work as a medical professional.

And on top of all this I also have this fear in the back of my mind that if I leave BYU I won't get married. I was talking just tonight to Emily Borders, this great girl in my ward, also an RM, who is so nice and friendly. She has basically all the same fears and worries as me. It was very comforting to talk to someone in the same boat, who also doesn't know what to do with their life.

And I also don't know where to live this spring/summer. This is definitely not as stressful or on my mind as these other major issues, but it's just one more thing I'm unsure of and have to figure out.

Plus, I'll likely be totally out of money by the end of the semester, which is also just one more thing. I'm not sure right now how I will pay for school this spring/summer.

I know that everything will work out and Heavenly Father will help me figure out my life, in the way that will bring me the most happiness in the end. I just don't love this trying-to-figure-it-out stage. And I just really don't want to leave BYU. I really don't. Graduation is coming too fast.

A good day in my life

I wish I thought of and made it more of a priority to write in my journal every day. Maybe now that I said that I'll think of it more. But I wanted to write about a typical good day in my life. Pretty much every day is a good or really great day these days, this whole semester, really, and I want to remember just the simple daily things I do, and what makes me happy.

I'll tell about my day this past Tuesday, I remember it was a really great day, from start to finish. Pretty typical, but a really great day.

I worked in the morning (at Courtyard) from 7-10 am, and then came home and showered and got ready. Elise was in charge of setting up the TBT both that day, since I had to work, so by the time I got to campus (right after devotional ended), and the booth was already set up and they had the tootsie rolls (the really good vanilla kind, with the blue wrappers) out and everything. That was nice to see the canopy and things already up. Then we did our booth, which is always fun and a highlight of my day and week, and the weather was SOO great that day! It was definitely capri and chacco weather, though due to us having volleyball that day, I just wore my black Nike's (I LOVE those shoes. They are black and hot pink mostly, and soo comfortable).

Sidenote. Reasons why the booth is so much fun:

1. I do it with my (pretty much) best friend now, Elise. With her comes Sam, her boyfriend (accept as of last night, it's fiance!) I really like Sam, he's really great. He's in our volleyball class too.

2. My committee is awesome, and all really fun! Namely Rebecca, Emily, Steve, and Jana. We have a totally different committee than I had last semester, and it's actually been a really great thing. My committee last semester was great too, but this semester they are ALL into it and they're pretty much all outgoing and it's just great. We have a couple non-freshmen, which is nice. Also, Steve is really great and I really enjoy having him around. Unfortunately he just recently got off his mission, a few months ago, so I'm pretty sure he's--oh, actually, he did like a year and a half of school before his mission, I just remembered him telling me...so he's probably actually like 22, maybe even 23...hmm.. I was going to say that he's someone I could potentially be more interested in, but he's so young...not as young as I was thinking though.. hmm.

3. I get to see friends that stop by the booth that I never see any other times, namely David (the king) from my last ward FHE group, also Kirk, also James Jensen; Robbie, Eric Malmgren (often), Ken Bostwick, Andrew Jackson (Elder Jackson), ...

4. It's really fun to hand out free stuff!

5. I love people and working with people.

6. More and more people are catching on each week, it's growing. So it feels like it's really worth doing each Tuesday.

7. I have made, and continue to make friends solely due to doing the booth each week, and doing TBT and being involved in BYUSA in general.

8. It's just so fun. :)

Then we took down the booth and took it all back to the office.

After that it was on to volleyball class, which is my favorite class. I love volleyball! And that meant I got to see Dallin, the kid in my class I took to Preference. Volleyball was really fun that day because Elise and I ended up on the same team, which makes it significantly more fun.

Oh, then I went home and read some of the novel I was on, for my children's lit. class, and then took a small nap on our extremely comfy couches, and then it was time to work on dinner.

I went to the store, got some stuff, and came home and Alisha was home. I like it when she's home. I made dinner, we had dinner group, and they all really liked it (stroganoff, beans, and mom's fruit cocktail salad), and said so, and I think many even thanked me for it! (That didn't happen last time, and I was rather unimpressed.

So dinner went really well, oh, and my new friend in my ward (and also in a bunch of my classes, which we finally realized like a month into the semester..), Alexis, came over and had some, and then I wanted to invite a boy over to have some, cuz there was still extra, so I decised to text Kevin Kindred. He is the brother of Tammy Kindred, who I was good friends with freshman year, from my ward, which is how I met him originally. And now he is in the BYUSA office too, which is how we've become good friends. He's awesome, and so fun, and I've had sort of a little tiny crush on him, it's just that I think he's shorter than me... but anyway, he came over later that night and had some and it was so fun to hang out with him for a bit. He makes you feel so comfortable, it was not awkward at all, it's so fun to talk to him.

The rest of the night I basically just did homework, which consisted of reading the novel I was on, more, which is really great homework. So far I've really liked all the novels we've had to read for my children's lit class. It's a LOT of reading, but it's fun reading, MUCH better than reading a humanities textbook, which was my alternate option for taking out my last general credit.