not so into Josh. I dreamed about A. Ham though..

So last night was (official) date #5 with Josh. This would usually mean that I like him. However, I just don't really feel any chemistry. But he is a good guy, so I keep saying yes..
But I think I need to not say yes soon, I just don't really look forward to seeing him. He texts me every day, which I like for the someone cares about me part, but I just am not way into him.
We had a Los night last night, because Peter and Lindsay were in town for Thanksgiving week, and a bunch of the Gurr relatives came, it was a lot of fun! But Andy came too, and we hung out at the table eating and chatting for quite a while, about dating and what not. Mostly about dating, ha. But when I told him about Josh and how I keep going out with him even though I don't think it's going to go anywhere, he told me the greatest dating analogy that I've ever heard. He said (told by his date earlier that night) that y'know, we're all fish, swimming in the ocean, and we're all swimming toward the BIG island, but sometimes we get tired of swimming, alone, so we stop at small islands along the way and take a little rest...
Isn't that great?? Haha, that totally made me feel better about this Josh thing. He's just a little island for me along the way. I'm just taking a rest... But that is so true, it really is nice to have someone care about me and take me out, not gonna lie. As well as  make me feel attractive and desirable and date-able. It's been a long time since I've really felt like that. On top of all that, it's really really nice to be able to say something other than "no.." when someone asks me if I'm dating anyone!

So I just spent, oh, probably almost 2 hours, going through guys' profiles online, that showed up on my refined search. Seems like there are a lot of great guys out there, many of whom peaked my interest, some of whom I sent a "flirt" or a little message to. But honestly, I'll be surprised if any of them really respond, or if any real conversation comes of any of it. The guys that interest me don't respond for very long, if at all, and the guys that message me I'm usually not interested in. When is something going to give?!

I'm not frustrated. Okay, maybe a little. I just feel like the guys I want to date don't want to date me, but I also feel like I deserve someone great, and I deserve to be with someone I find very attractive! Right? The attractive part is what's frustrating. I've never felt super attractive to guys. Girls tell me I'm cute and what not, but sometimes I think, what does that matter if guys don't think that? I don't know..

And kind of random, but I had a dream last night with a bunch of high school people/friends in it, weird. But Aaron Hammond was in it, and we made eye contact across a room, and.. I don't really know much else that happened in the dream. But it got A. Ham back on the brain. He is still single, and seems like a really great guy, as always. I ran into him back in May, when I went to close my account at University Credit Union after I moved back up here. He was working there, and it was so good to see him! We chatted for a few minutes and then I left. He was dating someone at the time, I later found out, but I messaged him anyway a few weeks later, and said I would love to get together and catch up if he ever wanted to. Since then I heard he broke up with his gf (from Hilary Heath). I don't think about him often or anything, but that dream has caused me to today. I am still so attracted to that boy, and would love to date him. Or at least spend time with him and see, y'know?

So yeah, I'm just not attracted to Josh like that. I would love to hold hands or even kiss someone like Aaron Hammond, like now. But it's just not the same feeling or thought when I think about doing that with Josh, it would be so forced, I feel like. Kind of like a lie. He's just not my type. I need to tell him soon I guess...aaa, I hate that conversation.