-I ran into Tisah last Tuesday night in the JFSB. It was the first time I'd seen her since before Christmas break, and to be honest, it was rather an awkward experience for me. Just in case I haven't filled in the gist of what happened between us, so we moved in together last semester as the best of friends. You almost couldn't find a better pair of friends. And it was so fun at first. But then after a week or two, for the rest of the semester, our relationship was basically on the rocks. Sometimes we were great, and other times things weren't so good between us. I wouldn't say there's really anyone specifically to blame for that, things just happened, and she and I are completely opposite emotionally, which is fine, it just made it hard to live together for some reason. Like she would do something that would hurt me, or that I would take the wrong way, and I would be sad, and I can't really get over things like that until I talk about them, that's just how I am, I've been like that my whole life. But also, it's hard for me to just go to a person and tell them what is wrong, and this is why I'm sad. I usually wait for someone to ask me what is wrong, because I feel like if they don't, they don't care, and why tell them anyway and waste their time, y'know? (Since then I am slowly learning that is not the best or most logical reasoning..I am growing..:) So I would just kind of be more quiet and reserved, etc. and eventually I would basically not be able to handle it anymore and talk to her. Throughout the semester we had about four "talks." Usually they helped, but the third not as much as I would have liked, and the fourth was a disaster.
Anyway, so the whole semester was kind of hard for me with her, and then at the end of the semester, my roommates (at least Tisah and Carrie) thought that I liked Ryan Ockey, and was going after him, which was completely untrue. But during about the last week and a half of the semester, some things happened that I got extremely mis-judged for, by Tisah and Carrie, and I felt very un-trusted and even hated. They got to a point where they weren't really speaking to me much. It was awful. I've never felt so much malice felt towards me in my life. I hated being in the apartment, especially if Tisah was there. I felt like the enemy.
So that last talk I had with Tisah was my last hope in fixing things with her, in hoping to try to stay and not have to move out. But it didn't go well, she was very hard to talk to and not really open to meeting me half way (these are just the feelings I got.). The look on her face while we talked I will never forget (well, hopefully I will..), but it was so, almost malicious. So unlike her, and so opposite of how our friendship used to be. She just wasn't really willing or able to see that she had perhaps been in the wrong. Once I pointed out what had made me so mad that week, she said sorry, but to me it had no feeling, and didn't really mean much. So I left her room feeling like I had gotten no where with her, and that our friendship was basically over. I grabbed my things and left to run errands, and just lost it as soon as I walked out the door. It made me so sad to see that she didn't seem willing to meet me half way in this relationship, and that it was basically over. I had tried. The one good thing that came out of that failed try at talking to her was that my prayers were answered of whether I should really move or not, and that was it, I was out. So even though it was extremely hard, I was grateful that my decision was made for me, and it then became easy to move out.
I cried a bunch that day, and the days following, because I still felt like the enemy, in fact it got worse. The next day was Sunday, and the tension towards me reached a climax and I almost broke. Once I was alone in the apt., I called mom and just fell apart. I told her I hated being there, and she was so sweet and very concerned and sincerely asked if she and Dad needed to come down and get me. I said no, but I really appreciated that she cared that much to even offer, to get me out of the situation.
Anyway, the next week was finals, and we did a girls night roommate bonding party/gift exchange Monday night, and things were a lot less tense, which was nice. It was okay fun too, considering I was with my roommates. But that was the last time I saw Tisah.
Until the other day.
Over the break she emailed me. I didn't tell her myself, but Carrie, I assume, told her I was moving, and she emailed me an apology email, basically. She also told me she was sad I was moving (I'm still not sure if that was an honest statement, but maybe), and that I was always welcome to come over for her dinner night. It was a nice email, but I don't think she ever really knew how much pain and grief I had gone through, especially in the last couple weeks of the semester, and how much that hurt.
I also wrote her a note/letter, explaining why the last 2 weeks had been so hard, and how I had felt. I also told her I hadn't completely turned my back on our friendship, and that I missed how things used to be so badly.
However, while that was all true at the time, at this time, since then, I really have had no desire to be friends again.
Anyway, so when I saw her the other night, I had just gotten done with institute and it was like 8:30 pm, and my car was parked under the JFSB, so I thought I'd stay on campus and study for a while, somewhere between the McKay (where institute is) and my car. That would be the JFSB. So I thought the 2nd floor halls, where there are comfy chairs in nooks, would be quiet and comfortable, so I went there. As soon as I got to that floor, I remembered that that is Tisah's floor, where her office and everything are. I used to go visit her up there. Then I imagined running into her while I was up there, and wasn't really wanting that to happen, but thought little of it, as I didn't think she'd be there that late anyway.
So a few minutes after I sat down and was reading the paper, I hear a girl, as she comes down the hall, say, "Melissa Gurr." I looked up, and as soon as I saw her my heart kind of..well, I don't know what it did, but I was a little surprised to see her, to say the least. She stopped and we chatted for a few minutes, she asked me all about school and TBT, and if I was dating Eric (Syphus-ha! I wish.) and about whatever else. I asked her if she was dating Ryan (the other Ryan in our former FHE group) and she said no, that she had basically broken it off with him the week before. I also asked her about school and her thesis. The whole conversation was pretty awkward for me, inside. We were both civil and courteous, and I don't think it was nearly as awkward for her as it was for me, it didn't all happen to her, and I don't think she would have stopped and talked to me for that long if it was. But man, I was wanting the conversation to end as soon as possible. What had happened was never brought up, which was fine, it's in the past, I kind of want to leave it there, but it also made our conversation kind of surface level and with a certain degree of..fakeness, I guess. Not fakeness, just nothing deep. But at least now I've gotten past my fear of running into her and what would happen. Before that night, I had been having dreams, kind of regularly, about running into her in random places. They were kind of more borderline nightmares.
So that was that.
So that is the Tisah aspect of this whole thing.
As for what happened with Carrie, I was so sad that she was mad at me through this whole thing and thought I was going after Ryan, the guy we all knew that she liked, and her friendship meant too much to me to just let go, plus, she didn't know the real story. So I wanted to talk to her before she went home for the break, but it ended up not working out, so I told her I really needed to talk to her and fix things between she and I, so she let me come see her at work on campus the Monday after finals. So I did, and explained everything, all the incidents that I was sure looked to them like I was pursuing Ryan, and explained what had really been happening at the time, etc. I also expressed how hard it had been for me, and cried some. After all this, she wasn't mad at me anymore, and realized that I really wasn't doing what they thought I had been. Then I broke the news that I was moving. That was rough. She took it kind of hard. She was really sad that I was, which made me know that she really wasn't mad anymore, but made me sad to leave too. I told her that if I stayed, she would be the reason why. I love her, and I was sad that I wouldn't be seeing her as much. But the good news was that our friendship was fixed and things were better. I love Carrie, she means a lot to me, and is such a great person. I just wish these dumb boys would realize that and go after her. She deserves so much happiness and wants to date someone so bad. I do miss living with her.
Well, that's about all I have time to update on, but this is good, I'm glad I got to write about it.
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