Hard night

I fell apart tonight. And here's why.
I take the NCLEX this coming Thurs (today was Sat.), and I have become very stressed about it, and am so afraid of not passing. SO afraid. I have been studying for the past few weeks, maybe four or five, at least some most days, but I have also done a lot of fun things during that time, and specifically this weekend, specifically today, when I probably should have been studying. I planned on studying for a while today, but didn't get to until about 10 pm tonight, when I was totally wasted from the Dirty Dash today (that took up way more hours than I had realized it would--left after 10 am, got back at 5 pm) and then going to the Fair tonight with Jamie. I didn't really want to go, I certainly needed to study. But she was meeting Mike, who she met on Tinder this week, for the first time, at the fair, and needed a wingman. I was happy to go, I just wasn't going to stay long so I could come home and study. Well, everything got pushed back to later in the evening than planned (after, like I said, getting home from the Dirty Dash way later than I had planned), and so we didn't get home til after 9:30 pm.
The other thing that pushed me over the edge tonight was that this guy, Mike, who Jamie has been really interested in ever since they started chatting via Tinder the other day, was really great. Which was great news, because he had seemed great so far, to both of us. And usually we don't go for the same type of guys, exactly. So it's never really been an issue, competition or anything. But tonight, after being around him for a little bit at the Fair, turns out he is the same kind of guy that I am attracted to, and I became sad and a little resentful or jealous. Plus, on top of this, he is 6'1'' and she is only 5'2", and that frustrates me at this moment because the only prospect I have (which is a very recent, and kind of exciting development, actually--I'll have to tell that story here soon), is pretty much my same height. I'm 5'7" and he told me (met him on Tinder as well) he is 5'7.5" (when he found out my height he said, "Perfect!" and I thought, "Nooooooo! Not perfect!!"). And if that is the only thing that is wrong with this guy (Andy), I can deal with it. But I still don't love it. I prefer taller guys, and now on top of this guy Mike being great, he's tall too, and she is so short! It's not fair!
So with the sudden sadness or jealousy of Jamie that this awesome guy Mike is very interested in her, then feeling very much like a third wheel and kind of resenting it because I would love it if Mike was interested in me, plus the stress of my upcoming test and not having been able to study much today and feeling like I should be studying instead of at the Fair..all of that combined with being overly tired and exhausted lead to an immediate breakdown as soon as I dropped Jamie off.

I had wanted Dad to give me a blessing this week, because he has told me twice in the last month or so, that he's been prompted to offer me a blessing, so I finally gave in and thought it wouldn't be a bad idea, but then tonight I was a wreck, so after telling mom the high points of what was wrong, she asked if I would like Dad to give me the blessing tonight, for my test, and I of course agreed. So he gave me one, and I was a mess through the whole thing. It was a great blessing, full of lots of reassuring things, specifically about me having really worked hard to prepare, and the HF wants to bless me for it, that they love me so much; he blessed me to specifically feel a peace and calm about things; he said that they are pleased with me for my efforts to do what's best and have balance in my life with the most important things (I felt like that was referring to my making scripture reading a priority every day and trying to go to the temple weekly now, etc.); he blessed me in regards to other pain I'm feeling (the Jamie thing, I could only assume, I think Mom had told him about it), and said (among other things I can't remember, I think those things were more general) that they (HF and JC) had great blessings in store for me, in regards to my own desires, in regards to my future family.
He blessed me specifically with a stronger memory this week, to recall the things I've learned and studied through school and preparing for this test (that was a neat blessing). He also counseled me, saying from HF, that I get to bed earlier and discipline myself to stick to a better schedule (or something to that effect), to go to bed and then get up early and study (maybe "study" wasn't specifically in there, but get up early was I think). I do need to go to bed earlier, so that was good to hear.

Anyway, I'm already going to bed way too late now, it's now after 2 am, but I really felt like I should write about this blessing. So that I can remember what was said, to recall on this week and for the future.

I feel just slightly better about the Jamie thing. But it's still hard when I think about it. It was hard to see him so into her, after seeing what a great guy he is, and then feeling like just the friend, the third wheel after a while (at first I was all friendly and we were all hanging out, but I wanted to give them space, so every now and then I'd walk ahead or something, and then I just got feeling bad about the whole thing and wasn't enjoying being there anymore, and so I was more quiet and not as fun, which a guy like him isn't going to be attracted to anyway! Geez, I do this to myself.).
But I want to be so happy for her, I don't want to feel jealous or resentful towards her about it, at all! I have been praying so much for she and Wendy to find husbands, before me, and soon. For multiple reasons, and now that it may be happening, or that she may at least start dating this great potential, I am happy for her that she found a great guy. I just hate that he is someone I would love to date too. I have been pleading with the Lord tonight to help me be so happy for her and not feel jealous at all. I don't want to.

And I still feel pretty stressed about my test. Not because I don't have faith and don't trust the blessing, I do. But I feel strongly that when "ye are prepared, ye shall not fear." I totally agree with that. But I'm worried that I haven't prepared enough. That I have spent too much time doing fun things, specifically this weekend, when I should have been studying. That's my fear. That I won't pass, and it will be because I didn't prepare enough. And that thought absolutely kills me.

I need to go to sleep. But I know HF knows and hears me and answers prayers, and I know that priesthood blessings are real. So hopefully I'll wake up feeling better tomorrow.