So tonight we had a little freshman year reunion, out in South Jordan at Sean's house. Present were Sean and Aubrey and their little boy Abe, Ben, Ryan, Amie and her baby James, Hil and her bf Daniel, and me. Eric was there part of the time via Skype. So we were only missing Cheryl, who ironically, was actually on a plane to Utah when we all got together. No one knew she was even coming to UT until today, otherwise we may have planned the get together for a different day, I don't know.
But it was a lot of fun, so good to all be together and catch up. As I left, my heart began to hurt. That sounds really dumb, but it was because of Ben. He is an amazing guy. And on top of how great he is, he's very physically attractive. Never has he ever shown interest in being more than friends with me, and never has that been a big deal. But tonight, I don't know, maybe it's because we're all older, maybe it's because there are fewer great single guys out there, and any out there come far between, that being around someone like Ben, who I've been friends with for 7 years, makes me really want to date him. To be around him more. I would love to just spend time with him. We get along really well. He's very down to earth, and he has a good sense of humor.
I think also, inside I crave to be close to a man, and I don't really have any guy friends right now. All those guys are huggers, which I've always loved, and it was so so good to hug them. Eric has always been my favorite to hug, then Ben; Sean is up there too, but he's married now, so it's not really the same. But hugging Ben tonight, when we got there, and then when we were all leaving, felt so good. I love him. I really feel like I can say that. I love all those guys. I really do. They are all so great. And you just don't come across such great guys like that every day, who are single.
And about Ben, I felt like he enjoyed being around me, or at least showed it, more tonight than I've ever felt. I know we've always been friends, and he's always liked me as one, but tonight I felt like he looked at me more than I expected. And maybe I just haven't been around him for a while. But it made me feel this little glimmer of hope, and made me really crave that more. To be around him more. So when we all said goodbye and left, I literally felt hurt, my heart hurt. One of those feelings that if I drank, would push me to go drown my pain in drinking. Maybe that's a little dramatic, but I really just would love to spend time with him. He's so great.
I prayed in the car on the way home, and just kind of told HF what I was feeling, and pleaded with Him to help me make sense of this feeling, and to be able to reconcile with it, and to help me feel better, and not hurt. And to perhaps provide something that I would need a date for or something I could invite him to. I really don't have any guy friends up here, really, so if I ever needed a date for something, even regardless of this sudden strong desire to date Ben, he would be a great option. Bummer that he still lives in Provo.
But anyway, so I got home, and I've gotten ready for bed, and I'm feeling better. I would still love to spend more time with him, he's just such a stellar guy. And I just don't meet guys like that hardly ever. But I'm trying not to think about it. And I think part of it is that I'm just really craving male attention, as well as male touch. Seriously, being hugged by those guys, specifically Ben (such good hugs), felt SO good. And I think that just added to the pain, of wanting that in my life so badly.
Tomorrow, this weekend, is General Conference. And my question that I am taking to GC, to get answered, may seem trite. But it's really been weighing on my mind more and more. It is this: Will I get married in this life? And will I ever date anyone again, in any near future, like while I'm still in my twenties? Some days are harder than others, but lately I just feel like I will never date anyone again. The guys who I want to date don't seem to want to date me, I feel so unattractive to guys, I haven't dated anyone for about 2 1/2 years (since Steve).. I'm getting very discouraged and frustrated about it lately, more and more. It's hard.
I'm on Fall break for the next week and a half (and let me tell you, it didn't come a minute too soon, I needed this break so bad), and I would love to just go on a date with someone. I crave to go on a date, a good date. To feel like a girl, to feel feminine with a guy. To have a guy's attention, to feel attractive. So here's to hopin'.
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